Thailand Golf Blog

Play It As It Lies

Members of my favourite Golf Society in Thailand, the Mainly Unquenchables Golf Society (the MUGS) returned to Bangkok this week from their regular mini golf tour to Cha Am / Hua Hin. There they played the Dragon Hills, Royal Hua Hin and Springfield Village courses. Apparently, the trip gave rise to more than the usual number of disagreements about golf rules interpretation. The MUGS organiser, Charlie (a.k.a. the “Ayatollah Hogmanay”) was called upon a number of times to issue his edict. The MUGS “clubhouse”, the Limping Cockroach pub is still echoing with opposing views.

Billy, he of the flailing golf swing that can only be compared to a manic food mixer, was first to tee off on the tour. He skulled his ball, never to be seen again, off the heel into thick grass about twelve yards to the left of the tee to resounding cheers from the other fifteen members, and their caddies, gathered around. He opted to play three off the tee, but the onlooking crowd were roughly evenly divided as to whether or not he was allowed to tee the ball up again. Charlie’s decision: yes.

Then, Mike, a huge man and a former senior manager for a multinational company in Thailand, whose weight in stone is only just less than his handicap (24) and Dave, who all around eighteen holes and, indeed, throughout the post-golf evening, keeps up a non-stop commentary (which is probably what caused the problem), got into a mess on the 12^th hole. They were sharing a golf cart and, it was only when they took their putters out that they realised that, inadvertently, they had been playing the hole using each other’s clubs! The general consensus was that they each should be penalised two shots for each shot that they took with the wrong club. Charlie’s decision: one two shot penalty each only.

On Springfield, John,  a retired security expert with a bad back who, as he finds it difficult to bend down, takes a second caddie to tee up the ball, had an air shot on the 2^nd fairway. It was only as he addressed the ball again that he realised that it was his playing partner’s ball. As it was the wrong ball, John claimed that he should not be penalised! Charlie’s decision: one shot penalty.

A seemingly innocent mango grove caused a furore on Royal Hua Hin. Stephen, a lecturer in law at Bangkok’s Chulalongkorn University, and as fastidious and meticulous on the golf course as off, hit a long iron into the mango trees. To the incredulity of his playing partners, he immediately claimed free relief as going into the grove would constitute a “Dangerous Situation” under the Rules of Golf. Apparently, according to Stephen, mango is in the same family as poison ivy and the mango fruit skin contains urushiol, which can cause dermatitis. The last time he had picked a mango on the golf course, having subsequently answered nature’s call, he developed a rash in a rather…er, sensitive area, if you know what I mean. Hey, when you’ve got to go, you’ve got to go. Gives a whole new meaning to ‘scratch golfer’ doesn’t it. As it happened, Charlie was playing in the same four ball and, much to Stephen’s disgust, ruled that his ball should be played ‘as it lies’ or, declared ‘unplayable’.

Back at the Limping Cockroach, Charlie was able to back up his decision by referring to the USGA Decisions on the Rules of Golf: Decision 1-4/11 - Meaning of “Dangerous Situation”.

“Q. According to Decision 1-4/10, a ball lying near a live rattlesnake or bees’ nest is a “dangerous situation” and relief should be granted in equity. If a player’s ball comes to rest in or near an area of plants such as poison ivy, cacti or stinging nettles, should the provisions of Decision 1-4/10 apply?

A.  No. The player must either play the ball as it lies or, if applicable, proceed under Rule 26 (Water Hazards) or Rule 28 (Ball Unplayable). Decision 1-4/10 contemplates a situation which is unrelated to conditions normally encountered on the course. Unpleasant lies are a common occurrence which players must accept.”

Ain’t golf wonderful! If you have had to seek a ruling on an unusual happening on the golf course, please post it, or email it to me and I will do the rest.

Play fast, swing slow.

Golf's Worst Foursome

An assortment of golfing items for your pleasure today:

First, a golf trivia question for you (answer below): For all golfers in the USA who have established official handicaps, is the average handicap over or under 18?

Second, congratulations to Tiger Woods (whose mother is of course Thai) and wife, Elin on the birth of their daughter, Sam Alexis Woods, born early Monday morning, June 18^th only hours after the very exciting ending of the US Open and Tiger’s missed birdie on the final hole. How considerate of mother and daughter to wait until after the end of the US Open. Apparently, it is the first time Tiger has been happy to be par (Pa, geddit!)

Third, congratulations also to Angel Cabrera who won the US Open. He joins 1967 British Open Champion Roberto De Vicenzo as the only Argentines to win a major Championship. Here is what Angel had in his bag:

Driver - Ping Rapture 7.5 degrees
3 wood - Ping TiSi Tech 14 degrees
Hybrid - Nickent 3DX DC ironwood 17 degrees
Irons (3-9) - Ping S58 w/ Rifle 7.0 shaft
Pitching Wedge - Ping S58 47 degrees
Sand Wedge - Titleist Vokey spin milled 54 degrees
Lob Wedge - Titleist Vokey prototype 60 degrees
Putter - Ping Redwood Anser 35 inch long
Ball - Titleist Pro V1x

Last, an item that I read somewhere which amused me:

What is golf’s worst foursome? Answer: Monica Lewinski, O. J. Simpson, Ted Kennedy and Bill Clinton. Why? Well, Monica is a hooker, O. J. is a slicer, Ted can’t drive over water, and Bill can’t remember which hole he played last.

Being a Brit, I have to propose my worst golf foursome as: Tony Blair (likely always to be found where there are Bushes), Gordon Brown (his score is never quite what it seems when you look more closely), John “Two Jags” Prescott (the Club secretary’s not safe, and he’s likely to biff you for saying so), and Alastair Campbell (too much spin). Oops, there goes my M.B.E.!

I’d really appreciate it if you could let me have your worst golf foursomes, with the reasons you chose them. Either post them, or email to me and I will do the rest.

Also, I will be speaking at a golf dinner later this year and if anyone out there knows a good golfing grace, e.g. “For what we are about to receive ……..”, I would love to hear it.

Play fast, swing slow!

Golf trivia question answer: The average handicap for all golfers in the US with established official handicaps is 17.3

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:

This Thailand Golf Blog is intended for the use of anyone who happens to read it and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs and/or who may be ashamed of their golf game. Distribution or copying of this Thailand Golf Blog is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas – but don’t let that stop you, it never did before.

Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or even grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the preparation of this Thailand Golf Blog, although the Yorkshire terrier next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you. Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft.

However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you, your family, your closest friends (if any) and your pets. If you have dropped into the Thailand Golf Blog in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites to this Disclaimer, whisk and place in a warm oven for 40 minutes.

This Thailand Golf Blog is void where prohibited. There is no representation or warranty, express or implied, with respect to the completeness, accuracy, fitness for a particular purpose, or utility of this Thailand Golf Blog or any information or opinion contained herein. Actual mileage may vary. Prices slightly higher west of Bangkok. All models used are over 18 years of age, with the exception of those that are not. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, or events, past, present or future, is purely coincidental. This Thailand Golf Blog may not be construed as an endorsement of any product or company, nor as the adoption or promulgation of any guidelines, standards or recommendations. Some names have been changed to protect the “innocent” (Oh, yeah?). This Thailand Golf Blog is meant for educational purposes only. Some assembly may be required. Batteries (and children) not included.This Thailand Golf Blog has been posted by weight, not volume. Contents may have settled during shipment. No user-serviceable parts inside. Use only as directed. Do not eat. Not a toy.

Postage will be paid by addressee. If condition persists, consult your physician. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. One size fits all. Colours may, in time, fade. For office use only. Edited for television. Blog was current at time of preparation. At participating locations only. Keep away from fire or flame. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitised for your protection. Employees and their families are not eligible. Beware of the dog. Limited time offer. No purchase necessary. Not recommended for persons under the age of 12, aged between 13 and 18, and for the over 18's. Prerecorded for this time zone but suitable for all. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this Thailand Golf Blog appear for identification purposes only. Freshest if read before date on carton. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for delivery. The author is not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. For recreational use only. No Thai coins. List each cheque or check separately by bank number. This Thailand Golf Blog is not an offer to sell securities.

Read this Thailand Golf Blog at your own risk. If in doubt, ask your doctor or pharmacist. Parental guidance advised. Always read the label. Do not read while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment, or during sex. Do not stamp. Breaking the seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. This Thailand Golf Blog may contain non-milk fat. Date as postmark. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Read only in well-ventilated area. Price does not include taxes. Not for resale. Hand wash only. Keep away from sunlight. For a limited time only. No preservatives or additives. Keep away from pets and small children. Safety goggles may be required when reading. If rash, irritation, redness, or swelling develops, discontinue reading. Do not fold, spindle or mutilate this Thailand Golf Blog. Please remain seated until the web page has come to a complete stop. Refrigerate after opening. Flammable. Must be 18 years or older. Seat backs and tray tables must be in the upright position. Repeat as necessary. Do not look directly into light. Avoid extreme temperatures and store in a cool dry place. No salt, MSG, artificial colouring or flavouring added to this Thailand Golf Blog. Pregnant women, the elderly, fanatical golfers, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to this Thailand Golf Blog. If ingested, do not induce vomiting. May contain, be prepared by, and read by, nuts. Objects in mirror may be closer than they appear. Do not read if safety seal is broken. Please put the toilet seat back down and wash your hands after reading.

Apply only to affected area. Take care reading this Thailand Golf Blog if you have high blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes, thyroid disease, asthma, glaucoma, sexual difficulties, or pain during urination. May be too intense for some readers. In case of accidental ingestion, seek professional assistance or contact a poison control centre immediately. Many suitcases look alike. Post office will not deliver without postage. Not the Beatles. Thailand Golf Blogs are not authorized for use as critical components in life support devices or systems. Author does not carry cash. Do not puncture or incinerate. Do not play your headset at high volume. Discontinue use of this Thailand Golf Blog if any of the following occurs: itching, aching, vertigo, dizziness, ringing in your ears, vomiting, giddiness, aural or visual hallucinations, tingling in extremities, loss of balance or coordination, slurred speech, temporary blindness, drowsiness, insomnia, piles, difficulties having sex, profuse sweating, shivering, or heart palpitations. However, do not resist sending cash donations to the author. Video+ and Video- are at ECL voltage levels, HSYNC and VSYNC are at TTL voltage levels. It is a violation of international law to use this Thailand Golf Blog in a manner inconsistent with its labelling. Intentional misuse by deliberately concentrating and inhaling the contents can be harmful or fatal. This Thailand Golf Blog has not been shown to cause cancer in laboratory rats. Do not use the AC adaptor provided with the player for other blogs.

DO NOT DELETE THIS LINE! -- the integrity of this Thailand Golf Blog depends on it.

Warranty does not cover normal wear and tear, misuse, accident, lightning, flood, hail storm, tornado, tsunami, volcanic eruption, avalanche, earthquake or tremor, hurricane, solar activity, meteorite strike, nearby supernova and other Acts of God, neglect, damage from improper or unauthorised use, high golf scores (whatsoever the cause), divorce or marriage break-up, incorrect line voltage, unauthorised use, unauthorised repair, improper installation, typographical errors, broken antenna or marred cabinet, missing or altered serial numbers, electromagnetic radiation from nuclear blasts, microwave ovens or mobile phones, sonic boom vibrations, ionising radiation, reader adjustments that are not covered in this list, and incidents owing to an airplane crash, ship sinking or taking on water, motor vehicle crashing, dropping the blog, falling rocks, leaky roof, broken glass, disk failure, accidental file deletions, mud slides, forest fire, riots or other civil unrest, acts of terrorism or war, whether declared or not, explosive devices or projectiles (which can include, but may not be limited to, arrows, crossbow bolts, air gun pellets, bullets, shot, cannon balls, BBs, shrapnel, lasers, napalm, torpedoes, ICBMs, or emissions of electromagnetic radiation such as radio waves, microwaves, infra-red radiation, visible light, UV, X-rays, alpha, beta and gamma rays, neutrons, neutrinos, positrons, N-rays, knives, stones, bricks, spit-wads, spears, javelins, golf clubs, golf balls, golf caddies, golf carts, golf gloves, playing partners etc.).

Other restrictions may apply. Breach of these conditions is likely to cause unquantifiable loss that may not be capable of remedy by the payment of damages, although you should give that a try first.

This supersedes all previous disclaimers

"I See", Said The Blind Man

My attention was drawn this week by a visiting golfer in Thailand, to a golf tournament held earlier last month at Downfield Golf Club in Dundee in Scotland. The tournament was attended by over 20 partially sighted and blind golfers, including Tayside and Fife Blind Golf Society. Most players were accompanied by a guide who assisted in describing distance, direction and characteristics of the hole. They also helped with club alignment.

I guess most participants would have thought they would have an equal chance with all the other competitors when they teed off. But when some began holing long putts, pointing towards the green and even reading from their own scorecards, some eyebrows were raised. And by the time the winner walked off the 18^th green the result was already in doubt amid claims that sighted players had taken part.

One observer, who did not want to be named, was appalled at the apparent ‘abuse of goodwill’ and wrote an anonymous letter to the local newspaper. It said: ‘I work in the voluntary sector so am aware of most disabilities and their consequences, but it was obvious the majority of these “blind” people were sighted. In the clubhouse I observed “blind” people walking around unaided, buying refreshments and going up and down stairs with ease. Outdoors many were pulling their own trolleys and one in particular was reading a scorecard. I watched players tee off with little or no assistance and several watched their own shot approach a green. One particular gentleman even pointed up the fairway before asking “Is that a flag?” I struggled to see the flag against the tree line, and I can see to drive a car! Perhaps the worst of all was the number of “blind” players who putted out without any assistance and then picked their own ball out of the cup.’ Downfield Golf Club said that it would not be taking any action.

Hmmm. That reminds me of the golfing joke about the Social Worker, the Surgeon, the Bank Manager and the Engineer playing a four ball at their local club one Saturday morning. Play was disastrously slow and the four enquired of the course marshal what was causing the hold up. The marshal told them: ‘Remember last year when the clubhouse nearly burnt down and was only saved by the fast response from the local fire brigade? Well, one of the firemen involved, who was a keen golfer, lost his sight and, as a gesture, the club has allowed him to play a round of golf today.’ ‘Wow, that’s great!,’ said the Social Worker, ‘I can make sure that he is getting all of the social services that he needs.’ ‘Yes,’ said the Surgeon, ‘and my wife is a top eye specialist. I’ll arrange an appointment for him to check that everything is being done to restore his sight’. ‘And I can arrange to set up a trust fund to pay for any treatment’ said the Banker. Then the Engineer piped up: ‘Why can’t he play at night?’

If anyone has an interesting or amusing story about golf in Thailand , or elsewhere, please post it or email it to me.

Play fast, swing slow!

Welcome to this, the first posting on Thailand Golf Blog!

My aim is to provide information and comments about all aspects of golf, especially in Thailand, and indeed elsewhere, in a lighthearted and hopefully amusing style. The Thailand Golf Blog is meant to complement our ‘big sister’ blog, Thailandgolfzone.com. That blog offers golf course reviews, special Thailand golf playing tips and advice, and holiday and vacation planning, along with first hand expert knowledge. It perhaps has a more serious approach, whereas here you will find golf stories from Thailand and around the world, golf humour (or even humor) and golf trivia.

In particular, I hope that you might enjoy tales, mostly apocryphal, from my favourite Golf Society in Thailand, the Mainly Unquenchables Golf Society (the MUGS). I occasionally join its Wednesday afternoon outings when I am in Bangkok and time allows. The MUGS “clubhouse” is the Limping Cockroach Pub in the middle of one of Bangkok’s less salubrious soi’s, surrounded by go-go bars, massage parlours and dimly-lit bars. Yet, the interior of the pub is like the gentlemen’s bar in a long-established, superior golf club: with leather seats all around, and golfing prints and trophies and past champion boards on the walls. The female staff have nearly all been there for as long as I can remember, well over twenty years, and probably by the looks of it, much longer. A recent new-fangled innovation was the installation of a TV set, much to the disgust of many of the decrepit-looking clientele. The eclectic and occasionally eccentric MUGS members are mainly old Far Eastern hands, and include Vietnam War veterans, senior managers in large international enterprises, successful businessmen, retirees, and some slightly mysterious characters who nobody is quite sure what they are doing in Thailand. Most are members of Bangkok Golf Clubs but prefer to enter the MUGS Wednesday stableford tournament on whichever of Bangkok’s golf courses the group is still allowed to play on. Their handicaps range from plus 2 to 28, with every standard in between. The MUGS is run with an iron fist by Charlie, an uncompromising ex-services Scotsman, with a ram-rod straight back and a ginger toupee, also known as the ‘Ayatollah Hogmanay’. A couple of years back he was practicing playing his bagpipes in Lumpini Park and was arrested by the Tourist Police for carrying an offensive weapon! Charlie keeps meticulous records of all MUGS outings going back years. An occasional visiting guest was shocked last week when trying to claim a handicap of 18. He was told in no uncertain terms by Charlie that he would play off 14 since the last time he had played with the MUGS in July, 2002, he shot 86. Charlie also administers members’ handicaps (the MUGS is affiliated with the USGA) and adjudicates on rules disputes. Rarely is he wrong. Last October, Charlie had an unfortunate experience on the occasion of the MUGS visit to Alpine Sports Club. His four-ball - comprising Billy, a 26 handicapper whose flailing golf swing can only be compared to a manic food mixer, Roy, who suffers from probably the worst “yips” in the world yet is still a creditable 13 handicap, and Rob, an impossibly good-looking, 6 handicap, insurance loss adjustor by whom all of the lady caddies hope to be selected – were caught in a sharp downpour. Charlie’s caddie rushed to put up an umbrella to protect him but, in so doing, unfortunately caught on the tip of the umbrella spike not only Charlie’s golf cap, but also his toupee. Needless to say his playing partners were too polite to mention the incident – until, that is, he was standing over a four foot, borrowing clutch putt on the last hole, on which ‘the money’ was resting. “That’s what I call a hair-raising putt,” said Billy.

More tales from the MUGS in future postings. You are welcome to post and comment on this Thailand Golf Blog, preferably in the same jocular vein. And if any of you have an interesting or amusing story about golf in Thailand, or elsewhere, please email it to me. Play fast, swing slow!